I have not fully appreciated the power of a social connection or bond until this year. I used to value strict independence above all else and viewed any form of dependency as an ultimate weakness. I have come to see that this has, in turn, led me down the wrong path and exacerbated many issues. People need people. I took on the identity of a lone wolf and used it to prove to myself that I need no assistance. I can conquer what I set out to conquer. How utterly naive. This, however, did last for a while. And what I did accomplish was done entirely independently. This has added on a new element of strength. But at the same time, once everything caught up to me, a sudden loneliness hit. A sudden cry for help and for the presence of others has come over me. It was only a matter of time. Because of this, my current friendships have been strengthened. I have come to treasure the impact of a personal connection with another. I have opened myself up to allow them to help me grow and impact my behaviors that were confined within my independent self.

How dire it is to have these connections when one is recovering or going through a struggle! I have joined an eating disorder group that I find to be more helpful than anything. You see elements of yourself within others and you see how those elements reacted with circumstances in their lives and how it aligns with yours. It's very powerful. The emotional bonds that are created so soon between us do not cease to amaze me. It is exactly what I needed and it is the exact antithesis of how I was previously leading my life. So much growth in such a short amount of time. It excites me to learn of the impact of people on my life and even how I may have a impact on theirs. That is also something I have become more able to observe- how I affect others. When you are entirely wrapped up in the self, you miss out on this.

One of my best friends has just communicated to me recently how amazing she finds my personal transformation to be and how it can be seen so vividly in my music. My musical compositions and songs have changed in theme and melody so much over even the past year. It is so revealing since it is a direct representation of my emotional patterns. The vocals are stronger and more confident. The instrumentation is more intricate. The use of instruments is even more creative. Lastly, the theme of my songs have turned from out of the self into the experience of the self with others and the world. With my mind and heart, my music has grown as well and has extended beyond a selfish desire to see my emotions scripted before me.

All of this growth, transformation, and discovery, I owe to the power of connection. Although the ability for me to do this is still rooted within myself, the impact of others has been tremendous. This does not diminish my independence by any means. In fact, it can enhance it. I have now been made stronger to approach life in a new direction and to not be afraid, because behind me are people supporting me and in front of me are people ready to reach out their hands and join me.

I felt the sudden need to write this down as I sit here working smoothly and semi-productively.

I have become tremendously more open about struggles of the past. This is especially so now since I am directing an event in which to make those more aware of the very thing I had struggled with. This is life. The mystery of keeping it hidden so stealthily underneath a calm skin is entirely misleading and somewhat detrimental. How it has helped to speak and to observe and inspire this openness in others! Acceptance and moving forward. Vagueness begone. This is a new dawn.

The struggle of an eating disorder is entirely difficult to communicate. It involves such subjective and personal overtones in issues of control, self-appreciation, and sensitivity to external environment. My mind wanders so easily and breeds and grows in grey areas. I cannot fully describe the separation an eating disorder made me feel between others. I am stable in saying this now. It was on a whole different level of distress. Obsession and control were modes to live by. Revolving days around food, and restricting to prove myself to myself are days now over. I am firm in this. I am. I have since felt a state of inner peace I have not felt in...ever, come to think of it. It is a self-reliance that extends beyond a physical existence, but an independent mental support. I have gone through enough to say I have my own support for experiences to come. It was not a pretty way of getting there (though ironically I had thought it would be). It was a fearful life. I was stiff, afraid to move as to not disrupt a path to perfection. I have an appreciation for a higher degree of living now. I feel free in mind and body, as if I can achieve what I set out to achieve. I truly do not think such sincere optimism would have arisen without this deep of an internal struggle. I am alive and I fully want to be this time.

I was speaking to someone going through this struggle currently and wanted to literally rip my heart open and hand her some sort of strength to say "live, live, live". But alas, with these types of things the voice must be one's own. We talked and connected and understood. There was no sense of miscommunication. My experiences with a struggle of this sort, originating internally and manifesting itself externally, has heightened my sense of empathy in others. Oh, how such judgments used to deter me from my path of recovery. What turned my focus to my pure self-betterment? It is entirely difficult to say. I realized how much I had to get me through each day, to wake up, look in the eyes of others. This took a lot. When all of our energy has depleted from your body and your mind is running shakily, but just enough to give your existence a potential to see more life, you realize who you are at your core. I saw myself and was not disappointed. I wish all could feel this love of self.

Struggles don't entirely disappear. I sometimes find myself in reoccurring behaviors of disordered eating. Human nature still runs through my blood. But, I seek not to fight it, but to understand it and use it to my advantage. Human nature has allowed me to connect with others and to this I could never be disappointed. I have a tendency to not be as easily excited or joyous. I have a high standard of happiness because I believe it should be earned, not granted. Self productivity and growth are my ways to happiness. I do not mind the work to that point. The sun feels warmer upon my once frozen skin. There is nothing that can fully describe that sensation of that warmth that can be both seen on the surface and felt in one's core.